To those in whom the will has turned and has denied itself, this — our world, which is so real, with all its suns and milky-ways — is nothing.
Nothing satisfies me, nothing consoles me; everything that has been and that hasn’t been jades me. I don’t want to have my soul and don’t want to renounce it. I want what I don’t want and renounce what I don’t have. I can’t be nothing nor be everything: I’m the bridge between what I don’t have and what I don’t want.
No, I can’t explain you, but I think I can draw a picture of yourself, if you don’t get sore. See, that’s the thing we all have that we don’t want anyone to see. It’s very tender, our secret self, if you want to call it that. And that’s the thing we have to protect. Now, most of us put a wall around it — mirrors, like this, see? If we don’t trust people, we use it to keep them out so they can’t hurt us.
But you — look what you’ve got. Mirrors aren’t enough for you. You’ve gotta have this too: a second wall. And it’s all covered with thorns and spangles and shockers that dazzle people so they say, “Boy, he’s really a hot apple, look how interesting he is.”
Here you meet a director you really respect, and you do some darn fool thing that scares him off. Here you meet a businessman and you say, “Gee, I’d like to be a businessman.” Here you meet a composer and you say, “Man, if there’s one thing I want to be, it’s a composer.” So you’re a businessman and a sculptor and a bullfighter and a composer and all those things. But that’s not you.
You never give anyone a chance to really like you or not like you because you never even let them in to see the first wall. You never say, “Hey, step right this way and see the real Jimmy Dean!”
So what’s hiding in the middle, Jimmy? Why do you shut people out? Why don’t you think you deserve anything? You think you’re so dull. That if they get inside they won’t find anything and they’ll walk out on you. Is that why you run out on them before they get too close? Do you think you’re empty, Jimmy? Is that why you’re so scared?